A Lot Has Changed

It’s been a while since I’ve felt like writing anything. I told myself over and over again that I should sit down and write, even if it’s nonsense, but as the view counts for my posts dwindled to nothing and my own boredom with my blatherings increased, it became less and less appealing. I have also been otherwise occupied with the big move I’ve been talking (and dreaming and wishing and praying) about for months now.

We found a place just 10 minutes from our apartment complex. It’s the same place I wrote about in March. We were approved, and the last weeks of March were the slowest we’ve endured since the beginning weeks of the COVID lockdown while we waited to take possession. We started moving our stuff in on March 31, and by April 4 I had us nearly unpacked. (If I never see another cardboard box it will be too soon. I gave away many, many boxes, but I still ended up taking a trunkload over to the local trash/recycling center.)

Over the past few weeks I’ve moved from hauling and loading and unloading and unpacking to the much more entertaining part—decorating. We have four floors of space here, and it feels like we’ve moved from an anchovy tin to a cargo container. There are a ton of windows and so much natural light. Actually, there are a few too many windows, or at least very poorly placed windows that are high and difficult to curtain but very revealing to the neighbors if we happen to walk past them from upper levels at night while in states of undress. We learned quickly. I spent a lot of time putting up vinyl window coverings, the kind that stick to the window but can be easily removed. We still have two very large windows that are a problem; they sit atop two sets of french doors to our upper deck. The doors have blinds but the windows do not. I really don’t want to block them, though; we can sit on our sofa and see the night sky through them, and it’s so peaceful. So now I’m working on perhaps getting super-long drapes for them.

It’s truly amazing how much your entire attitude can change when your environment changes. I’m still bored of being home and having trouble maintaining my focus, but now I have a really nice office to myself (as opposed to a desk shoved in a spare/storage room). I can walk around the house and really stretch my legs when the tedium sets in. I’m focused right now on preparing our guest room, because the biggest plus of all of this is having a place for my son to sleep in when he visits. No more inflatable mattresses ALSO squeezed into the office/spare/storage room. We were finally able to reassemble the beautiful handmade queen bed my father-on-law made for B many years ago that we’ve had in storage for years since upgrading to a king bed. Although beautiful, the bed is kinda big, and the guest room is kinda small, but it’ll do. My son will have his privacy. Our family and friends can come stay with us.

Life is looking up.

It helps that we also got our first and second COVID vaccinations. Although we haven’t really yet had time to take our “newly vaxxed” status out for a spin, we’re really looking forward to going places again. B is still working too long and hard at the job he detests, so that’s the next step forward for us, assuming he actually ever gets around to looking for something new. I had the realization last night that I’m really finally in a place where I’m happy with my life. I mean, I wish B was happier, but besides that, I love my job, I love my husband, I’ll soon be able to see friends and family again, I love our new place, my son can come and stay with us as often as he’s willing, and I’ve (so far) been fortunate not to lose anyone close to me to the pandemic. All of our parents are vaccinated now, as is my son and his father and stepmother, so here’s hoping that we’re over the hump. I’m even happy with the person I see in the mirror; although at times it’s hard denying myself the sweets and eats that I do truly enjoy, there’s something to be said for looking at yourself naked and NOT feeling a sense of overwhelming shame and self-hatred.

It’s hard for me to put this kind of positive energy out in the world. My natural instinct is to worry that I’ll jinx myself by saying these things aloud (or writing them, anyway). I’ve spent my entire life waiting for the other shoe to drop anytime life started to swing in my favor. But I want to really feel this upswing, really enjoy it, so that when that shoe falls, when the sword of Damocles drops, I can hold onto this feeling and use it to power myself through. It’s true that the darkness makes you appreciate the light, but to get to the point of appreciation, you have to accept first of all that it’s real, that you’re not trapped in some masochistic fantasy of “what could be.”

Right now, I’m living the dream.