Random Lists, Vol. 3

Ways to Be a Bad Neighbor

  • Stomp like a herd of elephants going up the shared outdoor stairwell so that the walls of your neighbors’ apartments rattle.
  • Let your dog bark continuously for several minutes at a time, multiple times a day, at all hours and for any reason (or no reason at all), especially during a global pandemic that has your neighbors working from home and desperately trying to focus.
  • Use your exercise machine at 1 a.m. Then shower at 2 a.m. Every night.
  • Dump your used fast food cup in your neighbor’s can so that your neighbor has to clean up your used litter and expose herself to potential covid because the trash pickup won’t take loose items.
  • Park your bicycle in the middle of the shared breezeway, limiting space for people coming and going from the apartment opposite you.
  • Stand at the bottom of the stairs, blocking your neighbor’s access to her own apartment, while not wearing a mask and spit-talking into your phone.
  • Sit on your top-floor balcony and talk as loud as humanly possible to your friend, your phone, or yourself so that everyone has to listen to the Jerry Springer details of your life.
  • Have a car engine that sounds like a jet taking off, and rev it at 5 a.m.
  • Refuse to let the maintenance man into your apartment to snake the pipes when your downstairs neighbor’s tub is backing up with brown water and force him to do it from the rooftop vent, at night, in the pouring rain instead.
  • Use your neighbor’s hose without asking. Use your neighbor’s ANYTHING without asking.
  • Slam your door. Hard. Often.
  • Leave your trash outside the empty dumpster.
  • Have your entire enormous extended family to your place for a party and take over the community pool for an entire day—without clearing it with the office.
  • Swear at your video games so loud that it makes your neighbors jump.
  • Play Christmas carols at full volume from December 23 through December 26, day and night.
  • Steal your neighbor’s Amazon packages.
  • Let your kids run up and down the stairs and back and forth across your rented townhouse, squealing and screeching, right along the shared wall where your neighbor’s bedroom is.