Conversations With My Brain, Ep. 1

4:44 am

Wake up, you have to pee.

I don’t want to. It’s nearly time to get up and work. If I get up now, I’ll never get back to sleep.

It’s early enough. You have an hour. Just pee and get back to bed.

[Fiona Apple’s “Shadowboxer” starts playing]

Shut up, shut up. I don’t want to wake up. Be quiet!

You have to pee. You might as well do it.

But it’s cold, and it’ll wake me up. I don’t want to.

You’re already up. You know you are. Just go.

Fine. [goes to bathroom, gets back in bed]

Better, see?

Yeah, yeah. Now can we sleep some more? It’s early.

[♫ Shadow…boxer, baby, I wanna be ready for what you do…♫]

Ugh. Really? Can we turn off the jukebox?

[B rolls over to snuggle. I try to get comfortable around him.]

He’s going to start snoring any minute.

I know.

He’s right in your face. He’s going to snore right in your face. And probably blow morning breath in your face.

I know. But he’s snuggling. I can’t refuse a snuggle. It would make him sad. It would make me sad. What if something happened later today, and I refused my last chance to snuggle with my husband?

You think something could happen today?

I always think something bad will happen. You know this.

True.

[A moment of quiet. Then B starts snoring.]

Told you.

[I shift and squeeze B’s hand. He rolls away.]

Great. Now we sleep.

You don’t have a lot to do today. You should probably email your boss and see if he has anything you can help with.

Okay, I will. Later. Go to sleep.

What was that dream we were having? I know it was weird. Do you remember what it was about?

Kind of. Something about a house with no floors.

Do you think it means something? Are the floors about to fall out from under us? Is something bad coming? Something bad’s coming. We need to prepare.

Right now? Can’t we just sleep? Just try to be quiet for a minute. Please.

Fine. [goes quiet]

[♫ Swingin’ around be…cause I don’t know when you’re gonna make yoooour moooooooove… ♫]

Really? Is this really necessary? I haven’t heard that song in days. Why? Why?!

I’m worried about these Invisalign trays. This top one doesn’t seem to be sitting flush on one side.

[Tongue starts running over sharp edges of Invisalign trays.]

Ouch. Stop. Come on, you know the trays are there and you know why. Stop playing with them. My tongue is already sore enough.

But this one isn’t sitting right!

[Jaw starts clenching, squeezing teeth and trays tight. Top right tray shifts minutely.]

See, I told you. You need to call the dentist.

The dentist is sleeping. Like we should be. Maybe if we hadn’t clenched so much and so hard we wouldn’t have had to GET the Invisaligns. Remember those FOUR years of braces we had? We should never have needed to straighten these things again.

Well, you need to relax. All this tension makes you clench your jaw.

I know that, but how am I supposed to relax with all that’s going on in the world right now?

Maybe you should try getting more sleep.

Seriously?

Yes. You didn’t go to bed until after ten last night. You knew you had to get up.

Yeah, at six. That was more than seven hours, plenty of sleep for us. You know that.

But it’s not six, is it?

No, it’s not. It’s fucking FIVE.

So you should have gone to bed sooner!

Maybe if you’d just shut up, we could get that last hour of sleep in.

Fine. [Moment of silence.]

[Jaw starts clenching, making Invisalign tray shift again. Tongue tries to feel around the tray to figure out where it’s not connecting. Drool begins to puddle.]

Fuck. [Wipes mouth.] Come on, we’re sleeping here, remember?

[♫ Sha-dow box-er baby, I wanna be ready for what you do. ♫]

I give up.

[Gets up.]

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