Back to the grind today. Really, it’s not so bad. At least working keeps me from dwelling on other things.
That’s a lie. I dwell no matter what.
Today it’s back to normal, though. I’m thinking about work. I’m thinking about food (always hungry, but my FitBit is strict). I’m thinking about taking the Christmas stuff to the storage unit, which leads to thinking about all the shit I have to haul down the stairs to load in the car. Then there are the empty boxes stacked in the unit that I have to load up and bring back for our move packing.
You know, the move that’s not happening until April.
Because that’s how my brain works.
Now my brain is thinking about the book I’ve been reading, Fatal Vision. It’s been on my to-be-read (TBR) shelves forever, so I decided this past weekend to give it a shot. It’s pretty good, a real true crime story, although there are some lengthy passages that so far don’t really seem to have any relevance to the actual crime and aftermath. I’m waiting to see if those details gain any relevance later, but I can’t see how that will happen.
I’m an editor. This is how my brain reads books.
Oh, and my mental jukebox is playing P!nk on repeat. I listened to “True Love” this morning and the words really related to yesterday’s post. So then I had to track down the video and tack it onto the post. Because I bitch about my husband the way all women bitch about their husbands, the way he bitches about his job, the way my father bitches about the Eagles. They make us crazy, but we love them. They make us crazy BECAUSE we love them.
Anyway, having listened to the song two or three times now in the process of posting it, the chorus—and only the chorus, because my brain is horrible—is on repeat.
Often when I’m working I’ll put classical music on because it keeps some of the tabs in my brain from loading and gives the others something to distract them. Classical is the only music I can edit to, because if there are lyrics involved, they distract me. My brain wants to listen to the words, sing along with them, implant them in the mental jukebox so it can annoy me later. On other occasions, when I’m just editing references or something else entirely mundane, I’ll actually put on a show or movie I’ve seen a million times and let it play in the background while I work. Then my brain is less bored by the tedious task because it’s too busy remembering and visualizing what it’s hearing.
This writing every day thing is harder than I expected. I find myself both entirely unable to think of things to write and then completely random and all over the place with what I actually put down. I guess it’s good no one’s really reading this yet (I did have one visitor yesterday; hello mystery guest!). I’m resisting the urge to share this blog in one of my social Facebook groups because I’m afraid people will come to read it and afraid that they won’t. Goes back to that whole needing others’ approval thing I mentioned the other day. Every day I don’t share the blog is another day I’ve accomplished a goal without needing instant feedback and applause.
And of course there’s always the risk that I’ll share it and will then promptly give up writing in it because the compulsion to write something worthy will make it even more difficult to start.
I really want to make this work. Venting my mental mayhem is kind of liberating. I’d forgotten that.